My throat is so soar, I spent 10 hours in a car holding back my tears on our way home from the wedding. Sometimes I slipped up and my shades filled up with tears, it looked like a river ready to burst its walls. I think the Socialite and Dee saw the threatening waterfall , but they pretended not too notice. You know when you want something with your whole heart and then you get just a little taste, you want it even more cause it’s everything and much more than you imagined. It’s like taking a test drive in you dream car, and having the time of your life doing it… and then it ends and you know you’re not able to afford it now or even in the nearby future, but having had a taste, you want it even more. That’s how I feel today. I wish I never took the test drive. And I’m someone that believes that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I screwed up. The groom has a friend, one that I have managed to get one massive crush on, and I don’t do crushes. I decided before the wedding, if there was even a very remote chance of me kissing Oliver Twist (a.k.a the crush), I will pass it up. I like him so much that I would rather have him as a friend (that I secretly have a crush on) than kiss him and risk the chance of things being awkward and not having him in my life at all.
We went to the Happily Married couple’s car to “dress it up” for when they leave on their honeymoon. It was me, Oliver Twist, The Socialite and the Player. Me & Oliver Twist was tying cans to the back of the car while the Socialite & the Player was supposed to be writing “Just Married” on the windows. When I quickly stood up, I caught them in a passionate embrace and duck down again.
Me: I think their busy
OT: They should be, they have to do the front of the car.
Me: Noooooo, their busy, if you catch my drift. I think we should stay down a little while longer.
OT: Oh, I see. Well, shouldn’t we just follow their example?
This was followed by me rambling on and on that although I want to, I don’t think we should because I don’t want things to be awkward. And then he kissed me… and my heart stopped, my knees went weak and I got a glimpse of heaven. We found a place less obvious and just kissed & talked for about another half an hour. After everything I drank that night I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, I never directly told him that I liked him but from all my ramblings it was obvious and if he didn’t catch on, he must be deaf and blind. After the wedding we were all supposed to go to the place where OT and his friends were staying to continue the party. The Socialite was supposed to get us there, cause she knew how to get back to the place we were staying. Her hormones took over and me & the Confidant found ourselves without our GPS (The Socialite). We had to sleep at the OT’s place, something I really didn’t want to do. I slept with him in his bed, cause there wasn’t any open beds. We only slept, but it felt so cheap to me. I’m normally not such a prude about things like this. But he makes me want to be a better person. And it didn’t feel right sleeping next to him on the same night we kissed for the first time.
Now here’s the problem, I’d rather have him as a friend, and be certain that he is in my life and hide my crush than have him feel he has too avoid me cause he doesn’t want to hurt me by not returning the affection. It was the perfect night and the perfect kiss, but I wish I could take it back. I feel vulnerable and exposed now. I tried to tell my heart it’s a crime to fall in love again. But after that kiss, my heart is loudly protesting. I’m moving to another town the end of the month…
I’m the queen of one night flings, but I don’t want to be his one night fling.
I would rather still have a secret crush on him, and have my dreams where everything is possible and he is crazy about me too. Now it’s gone, and I would do anything to get it back, cause it’s much better in my fantasies than it is in reality…
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4 comments:
u say u believe in having loved and lost, but it was one night, one kiss, it could be more how can u be so sure it would ruin everything?
was it awkward leaving him?
Hey CJ!
Well, I don’t know. I left in such a hurry cause we still had to drive back to the Free State (more than 800km) that we didn’t talk much. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable. He gave me a kiss, I asked him if he will be coming over the week and he said he would. But I’m very skeptical, guys sometimes make promises they don’t keep because they don’t know how to handle the situation. I never make promises I don’t keep or say things I don’t mean. But other people do. I have trust issues that reared their ugly little heads out of previous relationships. I hate that about myself and I’m trying to work on it, but it’s difficult. I guess only time will tell. I really hope it didn't ruin everything.
i feel you on the trust thing. i guess u jst gotta wait and see what happens during the week.
and i guess if you already know what you want it will make it easier wen you see him.
also don't over-think it, it will jst make u even more nervous to see him.
good luck:-)
I haven't heard from him yet but he's writing a big exam tomorrow, so maybe after Wednesday. I tend to over think, but trying my best not to do it this time. Thanx for your support & advice!
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