Baby be mine… if only in my dreams.

Beware: I’m sad, this is not an inspirational, uplifting and funny post. That one will be coming along tomorrow together with all the wedding/roadtrip shenanigans we got up to. But now my heart hurts and I need to talk about it.

My throat is so soar, I spent 10 hours in a car holding back my tears on our way home from the wedding. Sometimes I slipped up and my shades filled up with tears, it looked like a river ready to burst its walls. I think the Socialite and Dee saw the threatening waterfall , but they pretended not too notice. You know when you want something with your whole heart and then you get just a little taste, you want it even more cause it’s everything and much more than you imagined. It’s like taking a test drive in you dream car, and having the time of your life doing it… and then it ends and you know you’re not able to afford it now or even in the nearby future, but having had a taste, you want it even more. That’s how I feel today. I wish I never took the test drive. And I’m someone that believes that it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I screwed up. The groom has a friend, one that I have managed to get one massive crush on, and I don’t do crushes. I decided before the wedding, if there was even a very remote chance of me kissing Oliver Twist (a.k.a the crush), I will pass it up. I like him so much that I would rather have him as a friend (that I secretly have a crush on) than kiss him and risk the chance of things being awkward and not having him in my life at all.

We went to the Happily Married couple’s car to “dress it up” for when they leave on their honeymoon. It was me, Oliver Twist, The Socialite and the Player. Me & Oliver Twist was tying cans to the back of the car while the Socialite & the Player was supposed to be writing “Just Married” on the windows. When I quickly stood up, I caught them in a passionate embrace and duck down again.

Me: I think their busy
OT: They should be, they have to do the front of the car.
Me: Noooooo, their busy, if you catch my drift. I think we should stay down a little while longer.
OT: Oh, I see. Well, shouldn’t we just follow their example?

This was followed by me rambling on and on that although I want to, I don’t think we should because I don’t want things to be awkward. And then he kissed me… and my heart stopped, my knees went weak and I got a glimpse of heaven. We found a place less obvious and just kissed & talked for about another half an hour. After everything I drank that night I was wearing my heart on my sleeve, I never directly told him that I liked him but from all my ramblings it was obvious and if he didn’t catch on, he must be deaf and blind. After the wedding we were all supposed to go to the place where OT and his friends were staying to continue the party. The Socialite was supposed to get us there, cause she knew how to get back to the place we were staying. Her hormones took over and me & the Confidant found ourselves without our GPS (The Socialite). We had to sleep at the OT’s place, something I really didn’t want to do. I slept with him in his bed, cause there wasn’t any open beds. We only slept, but it felt so cheap to me. I’m normally not such a prude about things like this. But he makes me want to be a better person. And it didn’t feel right sleeping next to him on the same night we kissed for the first time.

Now here’s the problem, I’d rather have him as a friend, and be certain that he is in my life and hide my crush than have him feel he has too avoid me cause he doesn’t want to hurt me by not returning the affection. It was the perfect night and the perfect kiss, but I wish I could take it back. I feel vulnerable and exposed now. I tried to tell my heart it’s a crime to fall in love again. But after that kiss, my heart is loudly protesting. I’m moving to another town the end of the month…

I’m the queen of one night flings, but I don’t want to be his one night fling.

I would rather still have a secret crush on him, and have my dreams where everything is possible and he is crazy about me too. Now it’s gone, and I would do anything to get it back, cause it’s much better in my fantasies than it is in reality…

The big V-Day...

14 February 2008 is when Valentine's Day finally took a turn for me. And it’s not because I found the love of my life. I’ve always hated V-day. It seems like I always miss the big day, then I feel depressed and alone because everyone is sharing it with someone special except for me. Last year I spent V-day with the Confidant & the Socialite and we had a blast. Good food, good company, champagne, we we’re singing along with the piano player. (Although we shouldn’t be allowed to sing) But it was a perfect V-day.

This year is going to be even better. We’re leaving early tomorrow morning on a Roadtrip! We’re going down to the coast, and will be sleeping in my Grandparents beach house on Friday night and on Saturday we’ll be going to the Bride’s wedding! We’ll be stopping at all my favorite spots on our way there and it’s been ages since the I’ve been at the Beach house, it’s my Happy Place, so I’m really looking forward to it. The Bride decided to get married on V-day because she’s always hated it, and now she’s making it quite a memorable day! Me, the Bride and the Groom we’re talking about being perfect and loving someone the other day. I believe in this quote:

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

~Sam Keen~

The Bride & Groom isn’t perfect, no one is, but they love each other perfectly and I feel so privileged to have had the chance to learn from them. They are amazing people. And their wedding is going to be fabulous, it’s like a mini Varsity reunion! Wish everyone could be there.

So this year I’ll be spending my V-day at a wedding – single but it doesn’t bother me in the least. I’ll be spending it with people I love and isn’t it what V-day is all about. Being with people you love.

This is one of my favourite quotes, and I believe it’s the perfect single girls quote:

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything goes wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles"

~Audrey Hepburn~

What an absolutely classy lady Audrey Hepburn is!

So girls, single and those who have met Mr. Right or even just Mr. Right Now, I hope you have a fabulously exciting V-day. I know I will…

In the very true words of the Legen….. wait for it DAIRY Barney Stinson:

“Taking a date to a wedding is like taking a dear carcass on a hunting trip…”

I’ll let you know how the hunt went on Monday…

18 till I die

… cause I sure as hell don’t act like a 24 year old. Me & the Socialite had dinner and way, way too much red wine on Friday night to celebrate my birthday. Then we headed into town. Our favorite bar was a bit on the empty side, so we went down the street to have some shooters with Paris Hilton and her posh. Now even more intoxicated, we went dancing.

This is where I started acting very, very maturely (yeah right)

Me: Hallo Random Person I Don’t Know.
RPIDK: Hallo there
Me: It’s my Birthday today!
RPIDK: Well, happy birthday, hope you had a great one.
(RPIDK trying go exit the conversation)
Me: Aaaaand, I got my degree, actually 2 degrees (holding up 2 fingers, just in case he never learnt how to count)
RPIDK: That’s just great. Hope you enjoy your night (making a dive for it, just in case I had something else to say.)
Me: Bye now! Chat later again okay?!

This continued pretty much the whole night, there was however some undesirable frogs who tried to congratulate me with a kiss, yuck. So then I ducked and dived to get away from them. What do they say; “What goes around, comes around”. And then of course there was the absolutely gorgeous frogs, who also gave me congratulatory kisses. Aaahhhh, bliss.

It was my night of saying inappropriate things. One of the celebs, Jurie from Boer soek ‘n vrou. (Farmer looking for a wife, everyone in SA watched this show! Why I don’t know.) Looked really uncomfortable after about 2 minutes with me, can’t exactly remember what I said, but apparently he didn’t think It was as witty as I thought It was.

I then decided to do some marketing, I do have a degree in marketing you know. The lucky candidate was Great Smile. I marketed myself as a great package deal, one month only, the package name “A casual relationship”. Although I know that Great Smile doesn’t do casual, I gave it my best shot. Flirted scandalously, and at the end of the night after I gave him a lingering kiss, I saw a glimpse of definite regret in his eye as he regretfully declined my offer. Before I walked away seductively I cockily told him: “You know you just love kissing me…” And as I turned away there was a very brief glimpse of disappointment in my eye. I didn’t really want the casual relationship deal with him, unfortunately that was all I could offer at this stage. Apparently this package doesn’t sell so well, so I'll definitely be holding it back until I get a better buyer.

That’s when Mr. P text me, and told me how much he enjoyed seeing me again. Not really thinking about the implications this might have, I called him and asked if he wanted to come and have coffee at my house. The sun was almost up, so I thought coffee was appropriate. Not once did it cross my mind that he would actually try to kiss me, but he did and before I knew it, we were in my room. I stood strong, but eventually gave in. I’m only human. Then the most embarrassing thing ever happened, the Socialite walked in on us… and we weren’t holding hands. Oh fuck, yes my words exactly. But we’ve decided that were even now, seeing as I walked in on her in our 3rd year at varsity. Then I had to sneak him out of the house without any of my conservative housemates noticing. I saw a gap, thinking there was finally no one home. Woke him up and told him he had to leave pronto!

Me: (In the garden) It was nice to finally get to know you better
Mr. P: Yes it really was
Me: In more ways than one…
Mr. P: (Just laughed and gave me a kiss goodbye)

When I went inside the house again, I spotted someone through the window… it was the Brides bloody orchestra for the wedding who came to practice in the garden! Oh shit, I immediately knew they must have heard every single word of the above mentioned conversation. So I went into hiding in my room, I wasn’t able to face them. But I’ll have to at the wedding this coming weekend. Yes, yes I know. I’m an embarrassment waiting to happen. I think I should go on Prozac or something cause I can’t keep this up. Well it’s official now. It’s not about wanting to move to another city anymore, now I have to move to another city…

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeee!

It's my Birthday, yeah! And even beter, I passed my last exam and I will be receiving my degree and honours at the Graduation Ceremony in April! I've got the rest of the day off, and will be leaving the office right after this post. I'm finally going for a haircut, so that I look all pretty tonight when me and the Socialite will hit the town! She's also cooking me and some friends dinner tonight, can't wait! I have the best friends in the world, they always make such an effort to make my birthday special, cause I don't really like Birthdays so much and they are completely aware of this. The Damselfly is sending me something special with instructions from England! I can't wait, and she knows she's driving me mad by just giving me hints. Thus I will be stalking the mailbox from now on! The Bride & Groom made my favourite breakfast this morning (french toast), I'm really going to miss them when I move out and the Groom moves in, but I wish them all the luck in the world, they deserve it. They make such a wonderful couple. And the Confidant just called me, and it was so nice to hear her voice again and she told me about all the crazy things our shared dog, Bella did! Can't wait for the wedding next weekend to see her again! I think the Partner in Crime forgot, so I'll just have to call her tonight and wish myself a happy birthday! Watch out town, tonight I'm on a roll! I think I'm going to have a fabulous day! Have a great weekend girls!

Embarrassment is inevitable

I just read Chelsea talks smack and seeing as I don’t really have something to blog about, yet, I might just as well let you in on a few secrets. I’m waiting for some good news but won’t blog about it until I’m completely certain. So stay tuned. Shit, I have some very strange trust issues. Anyhow, I wish I only had one really embarrassing moment, but hence, I have quite a few. Fortunately there are some that I don’t remember and planning on keeping it that way. Today I’m going to regale you with those I do remember. Starting at the least embarrassing one.

Grade 12 was my year for the most embarrassing make-out incidents. You know when you’re somewhere you shouldn’t be, the best thing to do is to try and keep as quiet as possible. Nope not me. After partying hard, we went for a night cap at a friends house. His parents were out of town. Me and the one froggie got on quite nicely, so after a really romantic cheesy “We should seize every moment”, he took my hand and led me to one of the bedrooms to kiss in private. Unfortunately this was the parents room, not the place I wanted to be as we were told too stay out of it. Caught in the moment, we started to kiss, I was sitting on top of him and when I went in for a very passionate kiss, I put my hand on the remote. TV on at full blast. I got such a fright I almost fell of the bed. Next thing I do is to frantically try to shut it off, but I keep finding the wrong bloody remote and he’s laughing at me. The best part of this story is, at that stage he was already at Varsity and now he’s in one of the really popular SA bands, just my luck. Make no mistake, 6 years later, he still remembers me. Great stuff.
I also had one where I came out of a room very discretely, not wanting anyone to know what I have been up to, but then gave myself away with my top, being inside out and all.

During Rag one year we had a dress up party, I went as a playboy bunny, armed with a playboy t-shirt, shocking pink stockings with fish nets over it and bunny ears. It was a tequila party where the tequila was cheap as hell. So after having some pre jello shots at the Res, we started drinking tequila. Needless to say, I got very “happy”. Somehow I managed to find myself a yellow ballerina tutu, put it on and started doing plie’s, whilst stroking my bunny ears and asking anyone who would listen if I looked cute. This continued pretty much the rest of the night all over campus. It’s actually surprising that I do remember this specific incident.

Once upon a time there was this KFC ad, with the girl buying an ice cream and then getting into the back seat of her car instead of the drivers seat. The catch phrase being “Feel like a kid again”. I truly wish that could have happened to me. I went to McDonalds to buy myself a well deserved McFlurry, with the whole campus in the mood for Mickey D’s, I decided it’s best to skip the drive thru and just go in. In I went, got my McFlurry, got back into the car and wondered who had moved my seat cause I can’t reach the petrol, then I looked at the radio and realized that it’s not quite the same as mine, the thing that really surprised me was how neat my car was. Then it hit me, holy crap this is NOT my car. By some total freak of nature, I managed to use my key to open the door of someone else’s car. Fortunately I didn’t get faced with some hysterical kid with a more hysterical mom thinking that I’m the newest serial McFlurry Kid kidnapper. Lucky me. I then got out, praying that no one saw me, especially not the owner of the car and went looking for my car.

Last but not least. I went to a wedding, with a really nice, but wide dress on. I was the perfect weather for a Marilyn Monroe incident. Which probably would have been okay if I hadn't been wearing one of those really ugly grandma, tummy controlling panties. My date couldn't see anything, phew! But then one of the older men walked by and told me; "Yes my dear, the wind is blowing."

So there you have it, please do share as well…

When you're in the Mood

My countdown of the 15 most passionate/hot (sometimes naughty) songs ever…

15. Kiss you all over – Exile
14. Black Velvet – Alannah Myles
13. Holding out for a hero - Bonnie Tyler
12. Simply the Best - Tina Turner
11. Fingers – Pink
10. Private Dancer - Tina Turner
9. Poison – Alice Cooper
8. Golden eye - Tina Turner
7. You took the words right out of my mouth - Meatloaf
6. I’d do anything for love - Meatloaf
5. I’d lie for you - Meatloaf
4. Couldn’t have said it better - Meatloaf
3. Touch it – Monifah
2. Kiss me – Indecent Obsession
1. Original Sin – Taylor Dayne

I just love music and normally if I make compilation CD’s for myself, I categorize them into different moods. Haven’t made this one yet, but planning on doing it in the nearby future. Seeing that I’m seriously single at the moment, I won’t need it right away. I just wanted to put it up for future reference. It’s not like I’ll be single forever. Just waiting for some unexpecting froggie to trip over my charm and then I’ll reel him in.

Wish me luck, I’m giving a speech at my Grannies Surprise Birthday party this weekend, she’s only turning 70, but my family will use any excuse to force everyone to get together. It’s bound to be dramatic, with loads of crying and occasional opinion that wasn’t asked for, it’s been a while since we’ve all been together. I can’t wait, I need some excitement in my life, and this will do perfectly at the moment.

I want ... Life

It’s so easy to look back and say I miss the good old days, I want to go back. I want to be young, reckless and carefree again. The past is safe, you know what happened, you know now how it ended but what about now? I got a tattoo to remind me to never forget now, cause it might be all you have. Appreciate and enjoy what you have now. And even better, what about the future. Although it’s unsure and there is the possibility that you may not always succeed, sometimes fail miserably it’s thrilling and exciting and ready to be explored!

Bell Book & Candle wrote a song Rescue me, it’s my all time favorite song because it’s about being alive, not half heartedly alive, but fully alive. It’s about feeling everything, living everything. All your senses to be alive, hunger, anger, crying, laughter, pain, joy and especially love. Because the greatest gift of all is Love. Pain is an inevitable part of life, if you don’t have pain, you’ll never fully experience ecstasy, cause you won’t know any better. Most people, I think almost everyone has been hurt in some way. It’s a choice what you do with that pain. You can use it as an excuse for everything that’s wrong in your life (wise words from the Damselfly) or you can use it to be more aware, more compassionate, a better you.

Today I realized that there are actually a lot of things in my life that can take away my passion, make me hide my heart from the world and everyone that could possibly hurt it. But I want life. And even if it’s painful sometimes at least I’m feeling something and that way I know that I’m living. So bring on Life just the way it is, I’m ready for it. I have Faith, I Believe that everything is going to work out just the way it should.

At this stage, I don’t know how it should work out, but I’m glad. That would take away from the excitement, the chase to have the life I’ve always dreamed about. Maybe next year this time, me and the Damselfly will be conquering New York with red lips to give us the edge, dressed to kill so that no one can miss us. Maybe I’ll still be in dear old South Africa in a job I love. Or even in Korea, finding myself. And Heaven forbid, planning my wedding! The opportunities are endless. It doesn’t matter where I end up, I’ll enjoy the now and still keep on dreaming about the future. I found this inspirational quote in my inbox today;

"Interestingly, koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long. In a pond koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed in a lake, koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You are limited by how you see the world."

-- Vince Poscente

I want to swim in the ocean.